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Saturday, August 20, 2011

The Way Of Waking Up - Alan Watts

It's been many weeks since my last post.  A lot has changed in my personal life since mid-June.  As I have mentioned previously, I entered a Dark Night of the Soul experience precisely around this time in 2009.  Since then, several profound events have taken place in my life.  My awareness, perceptions and my mosaic - or reality tunnel - the way in which I experience the physical world - have changed forever as a result.  I found it curious that the aforementioned consciousness-related events occurred during a time when it appeared that everything I had known, built and established in my life continued to crumble around me.  In April, despite my continuing slide, I began to get a sense that the Dark Night had lifted and passed.  This was difficult to quantify, primarily because I found myself adrift in a wake of ever-compounding problems that had compromised my ability to survive and maintain even a simple life.

By mid-June of this year, I was prepared for the worst, and was expecting to file for bankruptcy at the end of July.  Despite all of my best efforts, long hours and such with two businesses, the overall financial climate had destroyed virtually everything that I had carefully worked to build over the last seven years.  I thought at times that there was no hope, and had ultimately surrendered to the universe, ready to face the prospect of homelessness and continuously snowballing fiscal problems.  As far as I was concerned, the 11th hour had come and gone sometime back in 2010, and I was managing to hold on to shelter and stability by a single thread.  What was the lesson in all of this - the spiritual experiences, the disintegration of everything I'd come to rely upon (?)  And why was all of this happening?  I can't say.  I can only reflect upon what appeared to be opportunities for learning, growth and expansion.

Surrender, trust and compassion appeared to be underlying themes.  I felt as if part of what I was supposed to learn from the lessons of the past two years was that no matter how dark, how seemingly hopeless things were to get, it was my decision to either accept things as they are/were... or not.  I tried to stay focused on the fact that there is wisdom in uncertainty.  It was either that or let myself become overwhelmed with fear.  There were times when the latter would dominate my awareness for a day or two at a time.  Sometimes I would just sit with fear and feel it as much as I could, imagining the worst tangents possible, so as to illuminate and get to the root of the fear, similar to the Sedona Method.  This can be extremely difficult when you are at the end of your rope, consumed with thoughts of survival.  By mid-June I had given up on many levels.  I felt I had given my best efforts to maintaining the foundation of a somewhat stable life.  I worked through the dark time despite being unemployed, typically on consulting and spec projects, none of which produced any real income.  Things just appeared to worsen steadily.  My computers had all died, my vehicle was compromised and I was about to lose my home, in addition to the development of various health problems.

Then, one evening in mid-June, I received an intuitive hit regarding a potential gig that I had heard about through a friend who had been trying to get me a job where he was working.  I reached out to him, acting upon the intuitive hit alone and told him, "I'm sensing that next week there might be some kind of opportunity that comes about whereby I might get hired for a specific task based upon a new need of the company in question.  If so, please think of me.  I'll take any kind of work."  This was very humbling to me, someone who has always been entrepreneurial, working multiple jobs at once in addition to my creative pursuits.  But the last two years had been humbling and then some, leaving me at a point where I would jump on any type of lead, any possibility, even if it arrived via a seemingly random thought out of the blue.  To this great friend I say thank you.  You saved my life.  To the universe I say thank you as well for the gentle intuitive prompting of possibility as it appeared within my conscious awareness.  I'm grateful that I had the necessary mindfulness to act upon the intuition.

I began working for the same company at the end of June.  I love the offices, the vibe and the people with whom I work.  On many levels, I couldn't be happier.  My 3D background should serve me well with this job.  The slide has now stopped and a sense of stability has returned, enabling me to begin to repair a very complex life situation.  At the last moment, just when I thought I was headed for what I thought would be a murky life on the road, the universe stepped in and snatched me from falling.  I am forever thankful.  Although I was prepared for the worst, I had thrown in the towel and surrendered to whatever I was to be coming my way.  Perhaps it was through that surrender that I was able to get to this place.  I was afraid to surrender for a long time.  I'm a fighter, independent, and an autodidact.  Yet I was brought to a point where I had to yield to uncertainty and I had to remain completely open... open to surrender and whatever each day would bring, despite feeling as though I was standing at the edge of a tall cliff and could fall at any moment.

Miracles do happen.  I am proof of that.  And on that note, I leave you with another excerpt from the late Alan Watts in a short video called, "The Way Of Waking Up."  Alan was a brilliant man and an engaging philosopher.  I also find his signature laugh to be intriguing, especially in light of the topics that he explored with tremendous insight.  There is something in that laugh and there is magic in his words, which are alive with the beauty and wonder of the universe.  When I viewed this video for the fist time, it left me with a curious boost in awareness, one that was similar to the lift that I got from reading "Science of Being."  It gave me goosebumps.  It's a seven-minute-plus "Aha" moment.  Enjoy.  I hope to return to posting more regularly here, and wish peace and happiness to all who read these words.